No More Sweeping Sexual Misconduct Under the Rug
April 1st, the first day of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I decided to, as bravely as I could, share the impetus of co-creating the text, Examining and Mitigating Sexual Misconduct in Sport. It was simultaneously healing and hard to speak truths (as I see them) to supportive colleagues attending the Social Justice in Sport and Exercise Psychology Symposium.
After I spoke I sat with a vulnerability hangover; thank goodness for my friend, Dr. Andrea Becker, who was in the audience and who later texted me that she sees me living in my purpose. I thank the universe every day for such true friends who show up in moments my soul needs them. I know I am my truest self when I walk closer to my fires, to my healing and in my purpose on this earth. Even still, words of affirmation mean a lot when we are going all in, leaning on nothing but who we are and what we know to be true from experiences and our lives’ learning. Leaving nothing I know to be true behind (no matter how taboo, unpopular, or half-baked) and being a person on a journey — not all knowing, just my fullest self in the moment — is what I am desiring more and more.
Many truths and experiences of others are not mine to share but to simply be a confidential container of deep love and healing. Some experiences of mine I am not ready to divulge and may never be aside from those most trusted in my life because when fully spoken my equilibrium begins to leave as the words depart from my lips. That intimate vulnerability is simply not for just anyone to hold.
Sexual assault and misconduct change us — this is what I know most to be true. When we are broken open, our compass teeters in what and who is true, and trust is often not as freely given as it once was. We rebuild and find ourselves again. All of us are on our own journey and move forward in ways that make sense to us.
Survivors, of any harm, know the unpredictability of our own emotions at times. Then, coupling that with how others may respond, the emotional energy it may take to not only share one’s truth but then hold someone else’s processing and shock. Truly, the re-traumatization of it all is exhausting. Survivors deserve space to be, to feel, to laugh, to find joy, to create and co-create as we heal.
I’m not on this earth to tell anyone how to heal. Though, what I do know is deep healing is possible and it sometimes hurts as much as the harm because there’s no endpoint; our healing is existential and yet, a resettling into ourselves, a treasured gift. Healing can allow us to re-open our hearts and find the depths of our being we may have previously been taught to stifle. I have found that as I open to myself, I more freely open to others.
This is my journey forward. I am learning I am a brave soul and I choose to continue to walk to the fire (thanks, Dr. Martha Beck) in community with other amazing humans; it is there that I find my purpose — a purpose I hadn’t planned but was always waiting for me. I am living a human experience just like every other soul. When our human socialization urges us to harden, and yet we choose to walk with our inner knowing, the more we will hear our soul pleading for us to find peace and heal. Healing is loving work. When I harden to others, I harden myself and life is hard enough. We are surrounded by love. Everywhere I look I find love as much if not more so than harm. This is how I choose to see life and humanity — full of love.
So, as contrary as it may seem, this Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I forgive myself for all the times I hardened to others. I do not want to be a conduit of pain. I desire to have the courage to be an evolving human who tells hard truths as I know them in the present moment. Though, what I desire even more is to be a vessel of love, hope and deep forgiveness. I have learned this starts with the self and then permeates outward. This is how I will change my ethos — finding my peace and healing and sharing it with others. These healing and hard conversations is how I will do my part to not sweep sexual misconduct under the rug.
Brave souls, our avoidance and silence do nothing to shift our lived realities. Humbly and openly walking to our fires has the power, if we let it, to teach us we will not be destroyed by the flames, but our hearts melted, and our bonds molded by the heat. It is a courageous act to walk into our truths to connect with rather than disconnect from the aching embers smoldering our essence. Let’s, together, walk through our fires (when we are ready) and towards our collective healing while each of us live in our purpose.
